Even the healing didn’t go the way I thought it would. Even the solution . . . it just wasn’t my dream, my plan, my vision for my life. Again.

I felt like I had come so far in my grief and healing . . .but I guess not. Because when everything went bad again, I landed right back at the beginning of my grief, with all the fears, lack of trust, holding on to things that aren’t even there . . .it all begins again.

I guess its a little easier to navigate this time and hopefully my faith will get back up to speed a little quicker.

Its always the letting go and accepting that your fears may indeed come true–and yet the faith comes when you realize you will live.

On to my story:

I went to the Adoration Chapel yesterday. I was alone which was nice because I was just sobbing. It took a while to have strength to even leave there, but eventually it came.  I was asking God, Mary, Joseph and of course Padre Pio to show up and bring me some comfort . . . .Still praying for that miracle but its looking more and more like it’ll be in me, not the change to my circumstance that I wanted.

My strength began to return when an old Steven Curtis Chapman song came to my mind and I began to sing it:

If I could only fly,
I’d go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture.
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I’m sure I’d ask too many questions.
‘Cause there’s so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don’t understand.

But I have prayed.
And at your feet my whole life has been laid.
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
‘Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

Let the road ahead become unclear.
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

Your higher ways teach me to trust You.
Your higher ways are not like mine.
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love.

So let it rain.
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain,
This hope I have will not be washed away
‘Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

 

It struck me when I sang: “I won’t worry; I won’t be afraid . . . .” and  “Let the road ahead become unclear. I am yours so what have I to fear . . . .”

At least I was standing  when I walked out of the Chapel . . .and then He was there. It had been a rainy day earlier, now the sun was shining as it hung low on the horizon getting ready to disappear for the night. The darker clouds gathered and the sun shone through and I looked up and saw, well, I guess it was hope. Not just saw it, but felt it. I felt God there. I felt like I would be okay no matter what.

As I drove away, the thought came to me that no matter what happened, I would live. I know it sounds strange and unless you are deep in grief, you may not understand. It’s a survival call. I would live through this. No matter what happened from here, I would live.

 

As I sang my favorite hymn, (Oh, God Beyond All Praising), these lyrics struck me:

and whether our tomorrows
be filled with good or ill,
we’II triumph through our sorrows
and rise to bless you still.

And I thought, that’s exactly what I want to do, triumph through my sorrow.

And for the first time, I saw a vision that maybe I could.

So that’s how God and perhaps Padre Pio finally showed up, began to help me change my heart. Yes, I’m still hurting, grieving and suffering. Yes, I still get bogged down in it. It’s a beginning. It’s taking those small steps and moving through the grief process-again. I did it once; I can do it again. With God’s grace.

 O God, beyond all praising,

We worship you today.
And sing a love amazing,
That song cannot repay.
for we can only wonder
at every gift you send,
at blessings without number
and mercies without end:
we lift our hearts before you
and wait upon your word,
we honor and adore you,
our great and mighty Lord.

Suffering well is about letting go.

But recently I decided I needed something to hold on to.

So I went to the Catholic bookstore and this is what I got:

 

A tangible token of my faith. Something to grasp in those moments of pain, in those moments when I’m crying out to God . . . and Padre Pio.

See recently, a priest with a devotion to Padre Pio, was mentioning (while he was holding a chalice that Padre Pio held–isn’t that unbelievable!) that when you friend Padre Pio, he never leaves you alone. I decided I didn’t want to be left alone . . .so I have been reaching out to him, not to mention because he is the patron saint of pain and suffering!

See my suffering took another turn and I feel like I’m back at the beginning and so I’ve been asking for a miracle from Padre Pio, either in the circumstance or in me.

I’ll let you know how that turns out. Here’s to hoping that he won’t leave me alone.

By the way, his feast day is a couple days away on September 23rd . . some of us are starting a novena to St. Therese that day . . .whose feast day is nine days after Padre Pio’s, two saints who are very special to me!

Care to join us?

http://www.ewtn.com/therese/novena.htm

I also got this yesterday:

 

The rosary I kept in my diaper bag has disappeared (that has 2-year-old written all over it). And I wanted something else to hold on to in times of intense prayer, something that was beautiful too, beauty always a reminder of God being present!

 

And one more thing to hold on to . . . .

 

 

Couldn’t resist that one!

There are other bears too! Visit St. Raphael’s bookstore:  http://www.saintraphaelcenter.com/bookstore.html

 

So that’s it. As I try to let go of my plans and dreams for my life, I am holding on to my faith.

So it was like a roller coaster of hope and hopelessness.

The suffering comes and with it comes darkness, bleakness, and hopelessness.

The things appear to change a little bit . . . and hope returns.

But then there is another shift and hope disappears again.

What’s the problem here?

The problem is simple: what is my hope in?

Is all of my hope wrapped up in this circumstance, this path of suffering? Am I only hopeful when things seem to be going the way I want them to go?

How is it that I can still understand so little about suffering? How is it that I can still miss that suffering is a path of hope. If you wonder how I can say that, its because suffering means something in our lives has spun completely out of our control. And that means God is in control. Finally. And that means our future is full of hope, because God is planning it! He knows the path that is full of hope . . .if we can trust Him, let go of our fears and follow. Follow through the pain. Follow if the pain doesn’t seem to end.

The truth is if we love God and we follow Him, then our future is always hope-filled because we have the promises of Heaven waiting for us.

The truth is our lack of hope over our earthly situations and pain is just another sign of our weak faith–our focus on what is here on earth instead of what God has waiting for us in Heaven. And, it means that we don’t trust God to do what is best for us.

There is always hope to be had. We just don’t always feel it or see it.

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

One of my favorite priests told me recently, “you become what you fear.”

We were talking about the fears I have relating to my suffering.

The fears that plague me. The fears that eat at me. The fears that could control me–if I let them.

But I recoginize the fear for what it is . . . .sin. Yes, this fear is so powerful. But it boils down to a lack of trust in God.

“Don’t let it turn you into someone you don’t want to be,” he said.

Because that’s what fear does to us. It eats at us. It paralyzes us. It makes us try to control situations or people that are beyond our control. All because we are so afraid of life not going the way we had planned.

But if we can just trust God, then we know we will be okay no matter what.

So much of handling suffering well boils down to trusting God-believing God’s word and His promise.

Then we know we will be okay no matter what.

I don’t think that means it won’t hurt. But it does mean we don’t have to be afraid.

St. John Chrysostom wrote:

The waters have risen and severe storms are upon us, but we do not fear drowning, for we stand firmly upon a rock. Let the sea rage, it cannot break the rock. Let the waves rise, they cannot sink the boat of Jesus. What are we to fear? Death? Life to me means Christ, and death is gain. Exile? ‘The earth and its fullness belong to the Lord. The confiscation of goods? We brought nothing into this world, and we shall surely take nothing from it. I have only contempt for the world’s threats, I find its blessings laughable. I have no fear of poverty, no desire for wealth. I am not afraid of death nor do I long to live, except for your good. I concentrate therefore on the present situation, and I urge you, my friends, to have confidence.

 

It certainly is surprising what we learn about ourselves in suffering.

Some of it is good. We may learn of our toughness or strength (with God’s grace of course).

But our weaknesses are also exposed. A lot of the struggle we have is because of our own weak faith. We don’t have peace because we are fighting God. We don’t feel whole because we refuse to accept it. We are so depressed because this life matters so very much to us. Yes, those cracks in our faith really begin to show.

The first step is, when in the midst of these circumstances, to take note of our faith, our weaknesses. Why do we feel so distressed when St. Paul says he has learned to be content no matter what the circumstance?

Then, we turn to God with those weaknesses and ask that He help us to begin to change. Ask that He show us how to accept our suffering, how to have peace. And yes, maybe even someday to embrace it like those great saints we keep talking about.

It’s a blessing, really. I mean we could walk around with our weak faith never even realizing these defects, never growing. But suffering shines a spotlight on it and gives us the chance to ask God to help us change it. And if we want holiness more than anything, (and hopefully we do), then we want to identify and change these weaknesses.

For me, it was pretty much all of the things I mentioned. I really wanted to be happy in this life. It’s so hard for me to be satisfied knowing I will have happiness in Heaven.  It seems so intangible! And right along with that, how can I be happy in this life when my life plan doesn’t go the way I thought it should, the way I set it up to go? Funny, aren’t we? We want what we want. We need to want what God wants.

Praise God for this chance to grow in holiness!!