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Even the healing didn’t go the way I thought it would. Even the solution . . . it just wasn’t my dream, my plan, my vision for my life. Again.

I felt like I had come so far in my grief and healing . . .but I guess not. Because when everything went bad again, I landed right back at the beginning of my grief, with all the fears, lack of trust, holding on to things that aren’t even there . . .it all begins again.

I guess its a little easier to navigate this time and hopefully my faith will get back up to speed a little quicker.

Its always the letting go and accepting that your fears may indeed come true–and yet the faith comes when you realize you will live.

On to my story:

I went to the Adoration Chapel yesterday. I was alone which was nice because I was just sobbing. It took a while to have strength to even leave there, but eventually it came.  I was asking God, Mary, Joseph and of course Padre Pio to show up and bring me some comfort . . . .Still praying for that miracle but its looking more and more like it’ll be in me, not the change to my circumstance that I wanted.

My strength began to return when an old Steven Curtis Chapman song came to my mind and I began to sing it:

If I could only fly,
I’d go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture.
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I’m sure I’d ask too many questions.
‘Cause there’s so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don’t understand.

But I have prayed.
And at your feet my whole life has been laid.
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
‘Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

Let the road ahead become unclear.
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

Your higher ways teach me to trust You.
Your higher ways are not like mine.
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love.

So let it rain.
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain,
This hope I have will not be washed away
‘Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways.

 

It struck me when I sang: “I won’t worry; I won’t be afraid . . . .” and  “Let the road ahead become unclear. I am yours so what have I to fear . . . .”

At least I was standing  when I walked out of the Chapel . . .and then He was there. It had been a rainy day earlier, now the sun was shining as it hung low on the horizon getting ready to disappear for the night. The darker clouds gathered and the sun shone through and I looked up and saw, well, I guess it was hope. Not just saw it, but felt it. I felt God there. I felt like I would be okay no matter what.

As I drove away, the thought came to me that no matter what happened, I would live. I know it sounds strange and unless you are deep in grief, you may not understand. It’s a survival call. I would live through this. No matter what happened from here, I would live.

As I sang my favorite hymn, (Oh, God Beyond All Praising), these lyrics struck me:

and whether our tomorrows
be filled with good or ill,
we’II triumph through our sorrows
and rise to bless you still.

And I thought, that’s exactly what I want to do, triumph through my sorrow.

And for the first time, I saw a vision that maybe I could.

So that’s how God and perhaps Padre Pio finally showed up, began to help me change my heart. Yes, I’m still hurting, grieving and suffering. Yes, I still get bogged down in it. It’s a beginning. It’s taking those small steps and moving through the grief process-again. I did it once; I can do it again. With God’s grace.

 O God, beyond all praising,

We worship you today.
And sing a love amazing,
That song cannot repay.
for we can only wonder
at every gift you send,
at blessings without number
and mercies without end:
we lift our hearts before you
and wait upon your word,
we honor and adore you,
our great and mighty Lord.