• Tweet
• Email

• Tweet
• Email

I have always, at least since motherhood, felt like a failure.

I firmly believe that God called me to be a wife and mother and yet sometimes I feel like He didn’t give me the skills to do this job.

Compared to pretty much every mom I know, I am less organized, less cleanly, less prepared, less talented and able to do far less, oh and usually not as skinny either. Seriously–that’s just the way it is.

I used to beat myself up about it. I used to tear myself up about it. I used to feel so . . .bad.

But by and by, through prayer and study and just letting God speak to my heart and getting a glimpse of how much he loves me, I came to be ok with it. Because it just doesn’t matter if everyone is better than me, if everyone can do more than me. I am what God created me to be and if He created me to be a little, hidden soul, then that’s who He intended me to be.  I don’t need to have a perfectly clean and organized house or even be interesting to other people. I just need to be what God created me to be.

It doesn’t always work just like that. It’s a process that requires me to get my pride out of the way constantly. But hey, I’m making headway.

And the other thing that happened was this book study we are doing this summer. We are reading Momnipotent by Danielle Bean. A big theme for her is that us mothers need each other to be honest with each other. Honest about the struggles, honest about the discouragement, honest about the moments we fail or our families fail–and of course the good stuff too.

See, one of our big problems as women is that we compare. But we often compare our worst to someone’s best–everything we know about ourselves to the front others choose to show people. So it’s not an accurate comparison. And here we are, feeling so bad about how we measure up.

As moms, we need to know we are not alone. That other moms are struggling like we do.

And so this re-purposed blog was born.

An honest look at the success and failures as I try to lead, drag, and push myself and my family to holiness.

And now . . .here is what I want to call a turtle food story.

In Danielle Bean’s chapter called “Give Till It Hurts . . .Everyone”, she shares a story about a full day where she realized she forgot to buy turtle food. After this realization she locked herself in the bathroom and cried because “there always seemed to be something  . . .to remind me that I was falling short . . . .” Her point is that if we don’t keep ourselves spiritually, emotionally and mentally fed, we end up feeling overwhelmed and incompetent.

Anyways, here’s a recent turtle food  story from my many. It’s about shirts.  So, my kids go to Catholic school so they wear uniforms. My oldest is starting high school–a new school so we don’t yet have many uniform pieces.  The school sent a letter telling us about a used uniform sale. Thank goodness, right, cuz uniforms can get expensive. So, I never wrote it down on my calendar (huge mistake, my calendar is my brain!).  You know when I remembered it? Yesterday.

But the sale was two days ago.

I just literally cost my family at least $60. Maybe it’s not the end of the world but it definitely is a moment that makes me feel like I fell short. I didn’t have my act together.

Thank goodness my mom was here to put it in perspective, to say “So what?”

I looked up the world record for number of balls juggled at once . . it’s 11. Turns out the uniform sale was ball number 12.

So, you see, I’m telling you this because forgetting turtle food (or uniform sales) happens to everyone. And to hear that it happens to everyone, makes us feel a little bit better when it happens to us.

And lastly, now that I’ve told you the truth about myself, I will tell you my greatest strength. Despite the fact that I fail more often than not, I always try.

The definition of earnest is: serious in intention, purpose or effort, sincerely zealous. That’s me. Not a succeeder but a trier.

I fall. I get back up. I fall. I get back up. I fall. I get back up.

I came across this on retreat when we prayed the Stations of the Cross. It’s from Station IX:

Holy Father, enable us to understand that it matters not if we fall a thousand times as long as we love the fight not the fall. Grant us strength to battle on, knowing for sure that this is more pleasing to Christ than an easy victory achieved at no cost.

I am a warrior.

There you have it, my  weaknesses, my failures and my strengths.

Welcome to the honest look at my walk of holiness.

PS–The Saint reports are done! We video taped them and I will share it with you soon. Talk about an honest look at all the squabbling nonsense that goes on in my family!