I started thinking about the prophet Jeremiah. He’s not a saint in the way we traditionally think, but I think we can be sure he is up in Heaven . . . .and so a saint.

Why? Because of his enduring faithfulness. The thing that struck me about Jeremiah is that he stayed the course faithfully even though he didn’t get to see the things he prophesied come about, even though no one listened to him, even though his heart was broken by the scattering and capture of the Jewish people. He didn’t die seeing God’s glory. He died sad and heartbroken, probably murdered by his own countrymen.

In other words, his life did not turn out the way he hoped at all. And in fact, he never got to see things turn out the way they should, or even things turn out well. But he was faithful until the end. He still believed in what God told Him and He still served God. He must have understood that this life is temporary and that there is glory and hope and fulfillment in the next life–that even if He couldn’t see it now, what God promised will come true. That is amazing faith. This is the life we can see, touch, and feel. And to never see the beauty, the fulfillment, the promise and still believe and still preach . . .it’s amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s faith.

Hopefully those of us who experience this severe suffering won’t suffer forever. One way or another our circumstances will probably change. Some of it may just be our acceptance and healing that changes the situation or sometimes something concrete will happen. God does answer prayers here on Earth too. But what if He doesn’t? If things never get better do we have enough faith to keep on in faith and to keep doing God’s will and to keep trusting Him? Do we have enough faith to not grow weary because we believe the best is yet to come–after this life is done?

I think of Mother Teresa also. I think it’s been pretty well published at this point that for the vast majority of her life and ministry, she was in complete spiritual darkness. And yet she kept serving so faithfully and so beautifully. Pure faith.

Consolation is those little feelings, moments etc. that God sends us to give us relief from our suffering or darkness, it’s the feeling of God in our soul.

Desolation is when we receive none of that.

Consolations are for the weak in faith. Only those truly spiritually mature can  receive desolation from God and keep serving.

I have often prayed for consolations. I guess I am just not ready to walk that path of spiritual darkness. I just don’t have my eyes on Heaven enough.

I’m no Jeremiah. And God knows it too.

So here is this suffering–here is my faith. Here is my spiritual growth . . .

It’s getting a little better now, but there were days when I would count down every hour because my only goal was to just survive the day.

There were moments when the grief was so paralyzing that I just didn’t even know how to get through it.

But God shows up and moves us through those days, those moments.

I am of the very firm opinion that God always gives us only what we can handle, but its always more than we think we can.

And so we see our total dependence on God . . . because we have to trust Him that He knows what we can handle, that He will see us through, that everything happens for a reason and that He works for the good of those who love Him. . . even when it really doesn’t look like it–or feel like it.

Because what we learn when we suffer is that we don’t have a choice. We find ourselves in the midst of suffering, and it’s nice to have someone to cry out to and to know that when our lives feel totally out of control–when we feel that we don’t have the control over what is happening in our lives–someone does. We don’t like being helpless or out of control. But the truth is we can’t control everything. That’s a lesson we have to learn the hard way-through our suffering. That’s what gives us the courage and the strength to admit we are totally dependent on God.

Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song when his daughter died that expresses what I am trying to say:

So I was lying in bed thinking of how I probably need to go to Confession. And then I think when? And then I think do I really need to go? And then I think, it’s funny how we don’t do things we know would help us get through a tough time.

Like, a more minor example, if you’ve ever gotten into the habit of a daily prayer time and Bible reading and reflection and then kind of fallen off the wagon with it, you know what I mean when I say you usually get into a funk. Things don’t click. YOu feel out of sorts, overwhelmed, etc . . . . And yet the answer is right there. We just need to get ourselves back on track.

And so it is sometimes in the midst of our intense suffering with our prayer time, making sure we are getting to Adoration, Confession and Mass regularly, daily meditation and Bible reading and reflection . . . .

Sometimes we do do these things more as we feel God is all we have. But sometimes we let it fall by the wayside–and just let ourselves feel bad. Of course, the kind of pain that suffering cause is not like the being out of sorts I described in the beginning. We can’t “fix” it by rededicating ourselves to our prayer life, but we can help soften the pain by gaining that right perspective and opening ourselves up to God’s grace and healing.

Why do we let this stuff go when we suffer so much?

• Depression–lacking the will to do much of anything
• Being mad at God or just plain confused by Him allowing this to happen
• The feeling that our suffering is so intense that we should get an “easy pass” with other things
• Spending time in a kind of desperate prayer more and thinking that is sufficient for our growth so we don’t have to keep up with other commitments (meditation, Adoration etc….)

Anyway, if we allow ourselves to really analyze our situation, its almost laughable that we avoid the things that can make us stronger. That’s our human nature, I guess (like I want to lose weight but I don’t want to diet and exercise!).We want to hurt less but we don’t want to actively do something about it!

So, yes, I do need to get to Confession and allow myself the opportunity to receive God’s grace, be strengthened by it, and keep going on my path to holiness!

We want what we want.

I think its easy to try and make God accept our plan for our life instead of trying to figure out what His plan is. Its easy to not realize we are doing this too. We have got a hundred reasons why our plan for our lives makes sense and why it should be God’s plan too.

Maybe that’s why He has to knock us off our feet to get us to listen.

He has to take away what we are clinging to that is getting in the way of our listening to Him. He has to completely change our direction.

That’s when we look finally look up and say “God what do you want???”

Do you think sometimes we don’t ask that question because we don’t want to know what the answer is? We are comfortable with our plans. In fact, we probably spend a lot of time trying to convince ourselves that our plans is what God wants and we spend time trying to convince God of that too. Again, is it any wonder sometimes that God allows us to suffer in order to bring us to holiness, to bring us to Him?

And–it’s not just asking the question. The difference when we ask God what He wants when we are suffering is that we genuinely want to know! We want to know the true answer. We need to know the true answer.

My suffering has taken some twists and turns and back and forth and back . . .and sometimes its hard to know the right way to go.  A lot of people will tell you a lot of things. Sometimes even in the midst of the suffering it’s hard to know how to handle it all. Emotions are high. Just like I was saying, I don’t always handle it well. It’s all uncharted waters. But I do want to know how God wants me to handle it–daily and that plan for my life.

What do I have to come back to, except what does God want? Yes, that quiet time in prayer–and asking a whole lot of people to pray for you–and then you follow.

Wow, so I started thinking about one of my favorite saints, St. John Vianney, the Cure de Ars. He knew suffering–not only did he undergo a lot of skepticism, doubt and criticism because he was not the most astute,  but he also endured real, physical attacks by the devil and then added to this suffering with his own mortifcations of things like eating nothing but a boiled potato and spending 16 to 18 hours a day in the confessional. It was said he had such a gift for saving people’s souls that the bishop wouldn’t let him travel so he could stay and tend to the souls.

But anyway, the point is I went to look up quotes from him about suffering and wouldn’t you know, I discovered he had a whole catechism on suffering, so much more beautifully written then I could ever write or summarize.

Here’s a snippet:

Whether we will or not, we must suffer. There are some who suffer like the good thief, and others like the bad thief. They both suffered equally. But one knew how to make his sufferings meritorious, he accepted them in the spirit of reparation, and turning towards Jesus crucified, he received from His mouth these beautiful words: “This day thou shalt be with Me in Paradise. ” The other, on the contrary, cried out, uttered imprecations and blasphemies, and expired in the most frightful despair. There are two ways of suffering — to suffer with love, and to suffer without love. The saints suffered everything with joy, patience, and perseverance, because they loved. As for us, we suffer with anger, vexation, and weariness, because we do not love. If we loved God, we should love crosses, we should wish for them, we should take pleasure in them. . . . We should be happy to be able to suffer for the love of Him who lovingly suffered for us. Of what do we complain? Alas! the poor infidels, who have not the happiness of knowing God and His infinite loveliness, have the same crosses that we have; but they have not the same consolations. You say it is hard? No, it is easy, it is consoling, it is sweet; it is happiness. Only we must love while we suffer, and suffer while we love.

On the Way of the Cross, you see, my children, only the first step is painful. Our greatest cross is the fear of crosses. . . . We have not the courage to carry our cross, and we are very much mistaken; for, whatever we do, the cross holds us tight — we cannot escape from it. What, then, have we to lose? Why not love our crosses and make use of them to take us to Heaven? But, on the contrary, most men turn their backs upon crosses, and fly before them. The more they run, the more the cross pursues them, the more it strikes and crushes them with burdens. . . . If you were wise, you would go to meet it like Saint Andrew, who said, when he saw the cross prepared for him and raised up into the air, “Hail O good cross! O admirable cross! O desirable cross! receive me into thine arms, withdraw me from among men, and restore me to my Master, who redeemed me through thee. “

Emphasis is mine.

To read the rest, click here: http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/stj18020.htm.

Later in his writing, he says,  “In order to get to Heaven, we must suffer.”

And so once again, the saints humble us. yes, we run and fight our suffering just like he talks about. And what he says is if we would just stop fearing it, we could learn to love it. We could use it. We could embrace it!

I have not loved my crosses. I have feared them. What a reminder that I have a long way to go on this faith journey . . . and its my suffering that’s going to get me there!