Do you ever get in the way of your own healing?
I’ve been realizing this a lot lately–things change but suffering stays and I find I have to still let go of many things . . . .
And that I’m still holding on too tight.
So one day in the Adoration Chapel, I cried out, “God, help me to heal!” And I felt God saying, “do you really want to be healed?”
And I realized in some ways I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted to hold on to my hurts. I was afraid accepting them would mean they would never be made right.
But my unwillingness to let go wasn’t changing anything-it wasn’t altering my hard reality-it was only keeping me bound up in the hurt and bitterness.
And making it impossible for God to heal me.
Because the truth is, it’s not always my job to make things “right.” And sometimes I just can’t. And the truth is, things may never be “right” in this lifetime.
Perhaps it is a lack of humility that has kept me from letting go, so worried about my own feelings. So I’ve begun to pray the litany of humility:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
You see with Lent, my renewed prayer life, reading Father Larry’s book and my realization that I was standing in God’s way, things have begun to happen–in me.
I’m just going to be honest, there were times before, before all my suffering began, when I wanted to follow God’s will, but I was afraid of what challenges God might give me in order to make me a saint. I was too tired, in a way, just managing my day to day life. I didn’t think I could handle more.
And that is perhaps the most beautiful thing of all this suffering . . .I am not afraid anymore. I am holding nothing back from God. I have had every emotion under the sun. I have experienced pain more intense than words could ever, ever describe. But now I know–there is nothing I can’t handle. God stands next to and carries me through–whatever. I’m not afraid of what God will do to make me holy. So now when I pray, God help me to become holy, I am honestly willing to face whatever He has to take me through to get me there.
This is my surrender.