Major faith fail.
Perhaps you would call it presuming on God . . .but see what I did was skip to the ending. I assumed I knew what God was doing–and that if he started things on the “right” path then surely that’s the way it would turn out.
But it didn’t go that way. And I was actually quite shocked. And then I was shocked that I had assumed I knew how this story would end. I didn’t realize I had taken so much for granted–once again putting what I wanted ahead of, well,reality.
I guess you could say it’ my own darn fault that I’m back at the beginning of my grief process.
Because I lacked one very important thing–disinterest. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care but it means but that I hold no attachment to one ending over the other. I trust that whatever happens, God is in control. God will use it for my good. (St. Francis de Sales talks about this in his book, Finding God’s Will for You).
Is it His will? I don’t think I could say that because I’m pretty sure what is happening to me is not what God wants either. And yet, He allows it. He allows it because it has things to teach, because I need to grow in Him, to see my total dependence on Him, and acknowledge and try to change my attachment to this earthly life and my own will. It’s his permissive will not his positive will. It’s Him using it to make me holy . . .to make me a saint.
And God sees my grieving heart and I think, He grieves with me. Yet He wants me to get up, go on, and grow.
And to accept. To detach from things I cannot control. To trust that He is in control.
This is not how it should be.
This is not how it could be.
This is how it is.
Our God is in control.
(Our God is in Control by Steven Curtis Chapman. From the album, Beauty Will Rise)
And that needs to be enough for me.
IN tears. You are a saint here on earth to have this perspective already. You are so inspiring Carina!