It’s been about a year now since I began my particular suffering. A year.

A year is the time that some say, you begin to come out of it a little–come out of survival mode, come out of the fog . . . .

For the most part, I can see that that is true. But I’ve have twists and turns that make it interesting–some good, some bad.

Its still just a matter of acceptance.

Accepting that after a year, my life is-well-what it is. Accepting that grieving still happens and probably still needs to be done. Accepting that everything isn’t going to turn out the way I want, that even the good parts aren’t everything I dreamed.

The reality is that suffering changes us and our lives forever–in good ways and bad.

There will be parts of me that will be haunted forever, and will mourn forever over my suffering.

But I think what it points to is that reality that this life is broken. This life can never be perfect.

This life is not the end goal.

And so maybe we can’t heal the way we dreamed of. In fact, I can’t even imagine being able to fully heal. It’s hard to believe that even in Heaven,  I will be completely okay. But we will.

We will.

There’s beauty here.

But there’s stunning beauty in the world to come.

And that is always something to give us hope.

And hopeful is  good way to look at the new year.

Grieving has stages but I think in most cases of intense suffering, we don’t move right through them.

We move into one stage and then fall back into the last one and maybe sometimes way back and so forth . . .sometimes over and over again.

Sometimes its a change in circumstances that move us forward and back or sometimes we just feel differently about things. Sometimes we feel closer to accepting our suffering and sometimes we just don’t know how we ever could.

It can be annoying to ride that roller coaster. It can be frustrating to make all that progress and then feel like we’re back in the beginning again.  It can be very hard if our circumstances give us a glimmer of hope–and then snatch it away again

Sometimes we just feel like we want to get off the roller coaster. We get so sick of it.

But I wonder if we need it. I wonder if just barreling through the pain, through the process, without ever having those moments of hope or relief, if it would just be too much for us to handle.

That’s what I think. I think it may just be too much pain to  move straight through.

And I think every up and down, as hard as it is, helps us to move a little bit farther ahead in that grief process. And so the next time we fall back, well, its not quite as far.

We do this over and over . . . and hey, we are actually making progress!

Believe it or not, I’m saying, the roller coaster is actually part of God’s grace, part of the way He guides us through these pain-filled times. We may not like the process–we may not like any of this–but we have to trust that God is leading us through it the way we need to go.

And yes, we are getting stronger!

Thanksgiving day and I think it’s time to change the subject…. Well not entirely but today I’m putting aside the intensity of the suffering and instead I’m making a list. Here is my list of what I am thankful for:

• I’m thankful for being able to see the hand of God constantly in my life. That’s the beauty of suffering- you would never get to see God move so powerfully without it.
• I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself. Although some of the things that have happened has taken a toll on my confidence, seeing myself (with God’s grace) stand up under the suffering and endure has made me realize I’m kind of amazing.
• I’m thankful for family who has stood beside and supported me in many many ways.
• I’m thankful for the generosity of people. When this suffering began for our family and word got out, so many people stepped forward to help us get through–including people I didn’t even know. We had people help with shopping, laundry, cleaning, getting kids’ the places they needed to go, prayers and many many meals among other things.
• I’m thankful for good Christian friends who have prayed and listened and kept me balanced and gave me perspective when I felt like I was going crazy.
• I’m thankful for those basics we take for granted–that I never had to go without or even think much about, like shelter, food, and clothes.  We have more than enough.
• I’m thankful for the communion of saints who have also stood beside me and received many of my prayers: especially Pio, Therese, Anthony, Rita, Joseph and Augustine.
• I’m thankful for how amazing nature is, how God can show himself, speak through it and how it inherently has joy and signs of God imprinted in it.
• I’m thankful for the Catholic Church , her Magisterium and her unwavering faith and morals–the truth that doesn’t change as the culture does.
• I’m thankful for my faith and morals.
• I’m thankful that I’ve lost over 30 pounds since I’ve had the baby and feel good and enjoy clothes shopping for the first time in a while.
• I’m thankful for a large family and all the joy, craziness, chaos and fun that goes with it. Therein lies true joy.
• I’m thankful that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom ever since my first child was born over 12 years ago.
• I’m thankful for miracles.

I’m going to draw a strange analogy because hey, it’s my blog and I can right?

See, I’ve been taking a kickboxing class. And its really, really hard. Usually I get to the point where I can’t keep up; I can’t do everything our instructor asks because I’m just too exhausted!

Last week, we were punching the bag and then hitting the floor in plank position, legs in and out, jumping up hitting the bag, back to the plank, etc., etc., etc. .

After a few times of doing this, I was like done for. It was so hard to get back up from the floor and keep going. But I did. And then I did it again. And again. Yes, I was slower–way slower than when we had started it . . .but I kept getting back up.

Because I’ve often had this vision of myself rising up . . .barely able to stand, barely able to walk. But still collecting all my strength and rising up.

Even  knowing there is still pain to come–and that I will fall again I still get up.

That’s what I thought about while i was doing my kickboxing class. It kept me going.

It keeps me going everyday.

I’ll say it again. There are days where i just have no idea how I will even make it through the day. But I just keep going.

It’s the call of those of us suffering and it’s faith. Because you believe there is  reason to get back up–even if you can’t see it, even if you never see it.

It’s a powerful vision to know that you have the strength–that God gives you the strength to get up when you fall.

To know: Out of these ashes, beauty will rise.

Once when my husband was going through a dark time, I made him a little book of Bible verses and quotes that could encourage him, give him hope and remind him that suffering had a purpose. It was small so he could fit it into the pocket of his scrubs (he’s a PA) and carry it with him wherever he wanted. I ran across it the other day and thought I would share with you the contents to perhaps encourage you as well:

“LORD, my heart is as heavy as lead, and I cannot see beyond this present state of depression. I do not ask, since it may not be Your will to grant it, for immediate consolation. I ask for an increase of faith, hope and love. Given more grace, I can endure my mood of passing gloom. I accept it in a spirit of penitence. Lord, turn my discouragement into true humility.” -Dom Hubert von Zeller

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“Love is the measure of our ability to bear crosses.” St. Teresa of Avila

“Cast all your worries upon him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

“Jesus said to me; ‘How many times would you have abandoned Me, my son, if I had not crucified you. Beneath the cross, one learns love, and I do not give this to everyone, but only to those souls who are dearest to Me.” Padre Pio

but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

” I was well calumniated, well contradicted, well knocked about. Oh, I had crosses indeed! I had almost more than I could carry! Then I took to asking for love of crosses, and I was happy. I said to myself, truly there is no happiness but in this!” St. John Vianney

“God is our refuge and our strength,an ever-present help in distress.” Psalm 46:2

Hope these lift your spirits. Do you have any other favorite quotes or Bible verses of comfort?

I don’t know who reads my blog… I know a handful of people do…and I like to think that maybe some of them are suffering intensely like I am-and that they relate and benefit from hearing my perspective. I thought about guilt and suffering one day when I was lamenting to my friend (who has gone through what I’m going through) that I didn’t know what to make for dinner so we were going to McDonald’s. She said, “That’s fine. Your kids can live off McDonald’s for a little while. ”

To those of us suffering right now, I want to say … don’t feel guilty.

Don’t feel guilty if you are operating on survival mode.

Don’t feel guilty if you can’t get it together to make your family dinner.

Don’t feel guilty if you yell a little more than usual.

Don’t feel guilty if you forget things and lose things.

*Don’t feel guilty if you need time alone to pray, to process.

Don’t feel guilty if you can’t perform all your duties the way you used to or the way you think (or maybe someone else says) you should. I. E.: It’s okay if your house isn’t as clean as usual.

Don’t feel guilty if you have to ask for help or accept help that’s offered.

It’s okay.

Trust that you are doing the best you can in the circumstance. You can’t be your best right now and that’s okay.

I could give you a million examples of things I’ve forgotten to do or couldn’t pull together or I could take pictures of my house for you-haha.

But just know, if  you are suffering, you don’t have to feel guilty about what you can’t do, even if you used to be able to do it. Even if no one else understands, God does.

Ask for strength . . . and then do what you can. And know that it won’t always be like this. You’ll get on your feet again. You’ll be 100% again.

It’s part of the process and part of the path.

And remember, God is there.

Major faith fail.

Perhaps you would call it presuming on God  . . .but see what I did was skip to the ending. I assumed I knew what God was doing–and that if he started things on the “right” path then surely that’s the way it would turn out.

But it didn’t go that way. And I was actually quite shocked. And then I was shocked that I had assumed I knew how this story would end. I didn’t realize I had taken so much for granted–once again putting what I wanted ahead of, well,reality.

I guess you could say it’ my own darn fault that I’m back at the beginning of my grief process.

Because I lacked one very important thing–disinterest. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care but it means but that I hold no attachment to one ending over the other.  I trust that whatever happens, God is in control. God will use it for my good. (St. Francis de Sales talks about this in his book, Finding God’s Will for You).

Is it His will? I don’t think I could say that because I’m pretty sure what is happening to me is not what God wants either. And yet, He allows it. He allows it because it has things to teach, because I need to grow in Him, to see my total dependence on Him, and acknowledge and try to change my attachment to this earthly life and my own will. It’s his permissive will not his positive will. It’s Him using it to make me holy . . .to make me a saint.

And God sees my grieving heart and I think, He grieves with me. Yet He wants me to get up, go on, and grow.

And to accept. To detach from things I cannot control. To trust that He is in control.

This is not how it should be.

This is not how it could be.

This is how it is.

Our God is in control.

(Our God is in Control by Steven Curtis Chapman. From the album, Beauty Will Rise)

And that needs to be enough for me.

 

 

So today I’m driving and listening to the radio and this song “Beautiful Day”by Jamie Grace comes on.

Its got lyrics like:

Can’t let a day go by
Without thanking you for the joy that you bring to my life .
And ooh there’s something ’bout the way Your sun shines on my face.
It’s a love so true, I could never get enough of You.
This feeling can’t be wrong, I’m about to get my worship on.
Take me away, It’s a beautiful day.

And I was thinking, “wow, it is a beautiful day!” The sun was shining and yet there was a crispness to the air. Beautiful. Perfect weather.

And I felt . . . .nothing.

Yes, back in the heart of my suffering, I see the beauty. I know it’s beautiful. I cannot feel it.

But still, it reminded me of something that I’ve done in my prayer life both in this time of intense suffering and before–to end each day thanking God for all the blessings of the day, every small little thing and big things. Like:

• Thank you for the people who helped me out today, my friends by listening to me pour my heart out, my mom helping me straighten up, the people who take a basket of my laundry every week and bring it back clean.
• Thank you that I had time to read with my son today and play with my toddler.
• Thank you I got a close parking space when the baby was asleep so I didn’t have as far to carry the heavy car seat.
• Thank you that I got some quiet time to work on my blog.
• Thank you for anything I accomplished.

It varies each day, but everyday that I try this, I always have a list.

There are blessings everyday.

No matter how much pain I’m in, no matter how deep in my mourning, there are blessings.

I also keep a blessings journal. I put in it things that have spoken to me throughout this time period. There are song lyrics, poems, quotes from movies, dried flowers and pictures of things of beauty that have meaning to me or that God sent to help me through.

Its a journal of my journey. Here are some samples from it:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s true, sometimes in difficult circumstances, its harder to see it. But these moments of grace, these blessings, are always there.

There are blessings everyday.